The disturbing remarks as heard by a very disturbing person

“Your’e quite disturbing to be around.”

“You brood a lot”. “You don’t participate”. “You’re not fun”. “This indifferent nature is quite redundant”. These are the other occasional dialogues that come along. Actually I can be a lot more disturbing person to be around, than you imagine to be. When anxiety creeps in, its like going berserk in the inside. One can’t really explain how that is. There’s a surging need to scream out loud. But hush… There are people around. As a matter of fact, I’m saving you guys from experiencing the outlash of it, with that attitude. That’s how I try to keep calm and composed. That’s how I hold myself in. Brooding.

“Did you go to _______________ alone?”

Yes, I go to the movies alone. I go to restaurants alone. I go to lot many other places alone. I do a lot other things alone. Once upon a time I too used to judge myself for this. But later, it came out to be one of my greatest strengths. I believe the capacity to do things alone corresponds to the capacity to do a lot more for others. Of course, for the people you love.

“Don’t be so anti-social. Get some words out of your mouth.”

My work demands being super social and charm the hell out of the people one meets. In spite of all that happens to burst open in my head at unprecedented times, I’ve managed it quite well while in the field. But at other times, I prefer to be silent. I consider having someone to share silence with, one of the best things that can happen.

“That is outrightly rude!”

This is what happens when I occasionally open my mouth in the public. It turns out to offend people. Or an emotion. Or a sentiment. Oh no! It has happened in one-on-one conversations as well. Well, please don’t swear now after pushing me for it.

“Why don’t you just smile? Be happy?”

Well, there are things that aren’t in my control, but the best part is that I am aware of it. By being aware of it, I am in a position to not let it dominate me. And I would say the seemingly grumpy face is a trade-off. But also to add to it, I don’t really find many a things passed out as jokes to be entertaining.

“Your’e laughing/smiling. That’s creepy.”

Ah.. No comments for this one.

“You look tired.”

Yes, I look tired because I either couldn’t sleep enough due to thoughts on the impending doom or slept more than actually needed for the same reason. I look tired because I strive too much to make peace with the ever continuing conflicts that happens inside. Lets just leave it that way.

I scream when there are no people around. That surpasses the voices and calms things down. Certain nights I go out to walk or cycle only to scream out loud. It’s a coping up mechanism and works quite well for me. I try my maximum to avoid parties and any other social situations for that matter. Declining invitations is not an easy thing. I just hope people understand that its not them, but me. Also, many a times I receive uneasy vibes from people and places. I avoid. I ignore. I take steps to end the possibility of a recurrence.

befriending cortisols

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